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Years ago, Wrestlemania fell on April 1st. It was 2007. John Cena V Shawn Michaels. I picked Allison up from her job at Starbucks to catch the show at my friend's apartment. As we drove over to the UBREVO house (The apartment of my friend's Nick, Matt and Brian where we would often gather for the events and shindigs) we decided that given the day we should prank the guys. Allison, despite being a big ole lesbian, was going to pretend to be pregnant; and I was going to pretend to be a dick about it. And we were going to see how far we could take an uncomfortable family fight around our friends.
Allison stormed into the apartment ahead of me, angry and sulking. I followed her in, cracking jokes. For the first match or so, we hinted at things, leaving clues to the story behind what was bothering her. It was during the second match that I finally laid enough of a groundwork for Allison to finally proclaim to everyone that she was knocked up. This was my cue to start berating her even more.
This created what is called in Professional Wrestling "A Double Turn" where the role of Face (Good guy) and Heel (Bad guy) switch mid-match, and the audience finds itself sympathizing with the person they'd been indifferent too and hating the person they'd cheered. To this end, my friend's, my three best friend's in the world, quickly turned on me and took my baby sister's side.
They kicked out of the room.
I was watching Wrestlemania from the kitchen. While Allison was feeling the love and support of my friends.
This sucked.
I began to text her, asking when we could just get to the blow off spot and end this prank. She texted me back that she was just building suspense. I think she was having fun. Still, I wasn't going to stop mid-bit. I had to keep being a dick. I had to keep making fun of her. You wouldn't think a wrestling show would invite many comparisons to the moral laxness of unwed mothers, but if you try you'll find a way.
My friends, began to hate me.
Allison was loved by all.
Eventually, I had to kill the bit. Allison texted me that she was ready. I said that I was leaving and asked if Allison wanted to keep the coat-hanger, since that could solve her problem. She hit me. A bunch. So I grabbed her by the throat and lifted her above my head. Ready to choke-slam her through the living room table. Everyone freaked the fuck out.
I believe it was Matt who yelled, "No...You can't slam a pregnant girl!!!"
And, holding my kid sister above my head, (she was propping herself up with her arms on my shoulder, and I had a grip on her belt, we'd practiced this part earlier in the day) I began to laugh. As did Allison. We fell over the couch. Laughing hysterically telling them it was all a prank. As they calmed down, Nick looked at Allison and deadpanned, "Wait, so you're not mad at Joey or you're not pregnant? I'm confused."
Because Nick is awesome like that.

Anyway, the moral of the story is this. If you're going to really sell a prank, you better be willing to fake a pregnancy, turn your friends against you, miss at least half of your favorite sporting event and threaten to choke-slam your baby sister into a plate of nachos. Because selling the bit matters.

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Nemonixon

May 2017

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